never was a thug, just infatuated with guns

moving

Fri, 20 May 2005 03:28:36 GMT

making this public so bawny can read it...

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 18:51:18 GMT

Just in case I don't get around to getting on here tomorrow...

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and
he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

GO VOTE TOMORROW.

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 02:50:24 GMT

Fuck Bush, until they bring our troops home

Let the president answer a higher anarchy
Strap him with an Ak-47, let him go, fight his own war
Let him impress daddy that way
No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our own soil

IF YOU'RE 18 OR OLDER, GO FUCKING VOTE TOMORROW. i would perfer one to the other [;alhfanfa;ldsjfKERRYORNADARaljkfasdjf] but if you want to vote for bush, thats fine.

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 23:37:50 GMT

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
And to the Republic for which it stands
One nation under God
Indivisible...
It feels so good to be back..

I scrutinize every word, memorize every line
I spit it once, refuel and re-energize and rewind
I give sight to the blind, my insight through the mind
I exercise my right to express when I feel it's time
It's just all in your mind, what you interpret it as
I say to fight, you take it as I'mma whip someone's ass
If you don't understand, don't even bother to ask
A father who has grown up with a fatherless past
Who has blown up now to rap phenomenon that has
Or at least shows no difficulty multi-task
And in juggling both perhaps mastered his craft
Slash entrepreneur who has held onto few more rap acts
Who's had a few obstacles thrown his way through the last half
Of his career typical manure moving past that
Mr. kisses ass crack, he's a class act
Rubber band man, yea he just snaps back

[Chorus:]
Come along follow me as I lead through the darkness
As I provide just enough spark that we need to proceed
Carry on, give me hope, give me strength
Come with me and I won't steer you wrong
Put your faith and your trust as I guide us through the fog
To the light at the end of the tunnel
We gonna fight, we gonna charge, we gonna stomp, we gonna march
Through the swamp, we gonna mosh through the marsh
Take us right through the doors (c'mon)

All the people up top on the side and the middle
Come together lets all bomb and swamp just a little
Just let it gradually build from the front to the back
All you can see is a sea of people some white and some black
Don't matter what color, all that matters we gathered together
To celebrate for the same cause don't matter the weather
If it rains let it rain, yea the wetter the better
They ain't gonna stop us they can't, we stronger now more than ever
They tell us no we say yea, they tell us stop we say go
Rebel with a rebel yell, raise hell we gonna let em know
Stomp, push, shove, mush, Fuck Bush, until they bring our troops home (c'mon)

[Chorus]

Imagine it pouring, it's raining down on us
Mosh pits outside the oval office
Someone's tryina tell us something,
Maybe this is god just sayin' we're responsible
For this monster, this coward,
That we have empowered
This is Bin Laden, look at his head noddin'
How could we allow something like this without pumping our fists
Now this is our final hour
Let me be the voice in your strength and your choice
Let me simplify the rhyme just to amplify the noise
Try to amplify the times it, and multiply by six...
Teen million people, Are equal at this high pitch
Maybe we can reach alqueda through my speech
Let the president answer a higher anarchy
Strap him with an Ak-47, let him go, fight his own war
Let him impress daddy that way
No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our own soil
No more psychological warfare, to trick us to thinking that we ain't loyal
If we don't serve our own country, we're patronizing a hero
Look in his eyes its all lies
The stars and stripes, they've been swiped, washed out and wiped
And replaced with his own face, Mosh now or die
If I get sniped tonight you know why,
Cause I told you to fight.

[Chorus]

And as we proceed,
To Mosh through this desert storm,
In these closing statements, if they should argue
Let us beg to differ
As we set aside our differences
And assemble our own army
To disarm this Weapon of Mass Destruction
That we call our President, for the present
And Mosh for the future of our next generation
To speak and be heard
Mr. President, Mr. Senator
Do you guy's hear us...hear us...[laughing] (Hailie)

for those of you that can, VOTE ON TUESDAY [november 2nd]. it doesn't matter who, although i would perfer one to the other [;alhfanfa;ldsjfKERRYORNADARaljkfasdjf] but if you want to vote for bush, thats fine. I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO GO VOTE.

my sister turns 18 the DAY AFTER the election. that makes me SO FUCKING MAD.

OMFG...THIS KID JUST MADE MY MONTH...

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 04:27:36 GMT

XxR0CK574RxX: you should change your priorities
razor kiss love: i question life
XxR0CK574RxX: and instead of wanting to die
XxR0CK574RxX: you should want to get in my pants

XxR0CK574RxX: and as for the getting in my pants thing
XxR0CK574RxX: you pretty much just have to ask, and you're in

XxR0CK574RxX: its like a private club
XxR0CK574RxX: hotties only
XxR0CK574RxX: and you're on the list

<333333333333333333333333.

sarah's reflective post for 16 years...

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 03:37:55 GMT

oh jeez. 16 years. lets take a look at this past year...

9-11-03
Celeste is my dad's cousin...she died last night. Early last week she had a stroke and was released from the hospital around Thursday becasue she wanted to go home. Once they released her she wasn't expected to live long...so i guess living 6 more days isn't that long. It just shows you how much your life can change in a month. A month ago she was at our family cabin celebrating my grandpa's 85th birthday...im not sure what to say now...

9-23-03
benjthehunter: TO AND EXTENT that is sexy.
benjthehunter: *an
ben: oh, no. It is the sexiest thing. Ever.
benjthehunter: *cough*superenflatedego*cough*
benjthehunter: your growing fanbase...of 13 year old girls....
benjthehunter: has gone to your head.
benjthehunter: you should do something about that.
ben: hahaha
ben: i would have said the same thing before the show
ben: hold on a sec
benjthehunter: lol.
ben: gotta get dressed
benjthehunter: ok.
benjthehunter: holy crap ben...you've been talking to me without your clothes on?!
ben: i wasdrying off
ben: and warmimg up
benjthehunter: but still...
ben: with a towel
benjthehunter: oh, i feel SSSSSSSSOOOOO much better knowing that.
ben: lol
ben: SORRY
benjthehunter: ok....moving on....
ben: haha
ben: ok.

9-30-03
what happened today... hm... oh, well its my favorite time of year now. the beginning of october to the end of december. ack, 17 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whoo! its crazy to think about how much has happenend in the past 2 years. at one point, i never thought i'd live to see my 15th birthday. craziness. you would think that after all thats happened to me, i would not go out and do some of the stupid shit i do... *cough4thofjulycough* lol, and aleisa made me eat bread caouse she thought i would pass out. if is sit here and think... ive got great friends. people who i know will be there for me no matter what. theres aleisa. fucking christ, what whould i do without that girl? shes been there for me sooooooooooo much. im NOT at the point to say that if i died today i would be happy with my life. im no where near that point. but ive come a LONG way since all saints. its crazy, but i still can't tell anyone about my depression and my past face to face. hell, i can barely tell a few people about what actually happened at all saints. only about 2 of my closest friends know. they are the only people who will ever know probably. i remeber aobut this time last year my therpist was saying that i was in no danger of becoming depressed and that she admired me becasue of everything that happened i never collapsed. well, i DID collapse eventually. i guess everyone does. and i still have a problem sharing my feelings. yeah well, i feel a lot better today so i was back at school and its nice to know that my friends actually MISSED me. oh, erin got a boyfriend. supposedly hes a sophmore... i forgot his name.

11-19-03
monday night was awesome. i met chris, the drummer for good charlotte, before the show at around 5:30 at qfc across from the key. my dad wanted food cause he hadn't eaten all day so we went in there and this guy was getting coffee and he had his back to us but he looked like a band member so i was thinking either goldfinger or eve 6. just as we walk by, he turned around and it was chris. i said hi and all that shit and got my picture taken with him. he was SO freakin awesome and kind. eve 6 was better than i thought they would be. goldfinger was awesome. gc was awesome. halfway through their last song, i was feeling dizzy so i grabbed onto my friend lena's arm. she asked me if i was ok and since i couldn't talk, i just shook my head. then next thing i remember i was ON THE FLOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOSH PIT! it so scary looking up and seeing all these people while your laying on the floor. when my eyes came into focus i realized that there was a guy bending over me trying to wake me up. he was the same guy i had been next to for all of gc's set. once he saw i was awake he and his friend (also a guy) picked me up and carried me through the pit and over the barrier, backstage and to the medic area. turns out that i had passed out in the middle of the pit and i fell to the ground. my knees buckled underneath me and in order to prevent me from hurting my legs or my knees people around me got my legs out from underneath me as i fell. then the guys i was standing by cleared a small circle for me in the pit so i could lay down and not get trampled. they said i woke up when i hit the ground but i don't remember anything after grabbing my friends arm when i started to feel dizzy and before i woke up on the ground. it still feels so surreal, like it didn't happen. i vaguely remember even waking up. its scary. and then i wonder what would have happened if the pit had seperated me and that one guy. and what would have happened if the people around me hadn't gottem my legs out from underneath me. anyway...im fine now. i stayed about 20-30 minutes after the concert in the medic area waiting for my dad and the medics making sure i was ok. all i had i was HUGE headache, probably from falling. yeah... im FINALLY getting my pictures today! makes me so happy. and my mom set up an appointment with my hairdresser frome tuesday at 5, so i'll be getting my spikage done soon!

11-27-03
yeah, i feel so special. i realized last night that we have actual aim outside of trillian! so now i have this uber cool profile and stuff. so yeah, im me on aim if you wanna.

12-5-03
mike broke up with me...he said something about not having enough time next semester. fuck that. next semester is like 2 months away. oh well...

1-13-04
gah, im so fucking stressed. after john killing himself, at school everyones like, 'oh, im sooo sorry sarah.' i want to tell them to fucking stop it and leave me alone, but thats mean. and then in drama today, me and soph were sitting on either side of lex. i needed to tell soph what happened last night, no i don't feel like talking about it, and so i was able to get out of my desk to give her the note cause i know if lex saw it, i would never hear the end of it. so lex got all mad cause i wouldn't tell her. and then she (lex) tells me that her friend ruthie hates me. ive seen ruthie around, but we never talk and now i know why. ruthie fucking hates me. I DON'T EVEN TALK TO HER! it pisses me off that someone i don't talk to hates me. it means she judges others. i fucking hate people like that. i've never been so fucking tired. god. its only tuesday and i want this week to end.

1-23-04
my interview is tomorrow for sota and its freaking me out cause im sooooooo scared i'll mess things up. LEXI! GET ONLINE AND TALK TO ME ABOUT IT!

2-12-04
yay!!!!!! i just checked the mail and there was a huge envelope from sota...turns out i've moved on in the application process! i have about a week to get things all ready...and i chose to do visual arts. for that i have to draw 3 drawings. dear god i can't draw worth shit so i told my dad and he said to do the three drawings and then add some photographs since thats my strong point and include a cover letter saying how drawing things is a weakness for me but i've included some of my photographs which are my strong point.

i spent like over an hour at the doctor today, mostly waiting. i got to skip english and math (yay). and i got there in time for the last 5 minutes of 2nd lunch. i was able to get anti-depressents. my doctor said that i have moderate to severe depression and percribsed (sp?) wellbutrin.

2-21-04
i hate myself. i broke up with guy because i don't want to be in a relationship causing him to cut. this feeling is worse than when i hit rock bottom when i was't on my meds. i don't know what to do. what have i done?

2-28-04
oh man, today on the slopes, kate and i REALLY saced it up. awesome times. the ski lift was especially fun. we were up on the mountain for about 8 hours and on the slopes for about 7 and 1/2 hours. we only went into the lodge once, at 11 or so. after that we kept saying, 'oh we'll go in at 2.' 2 came and went so we said, 'oh, we'll go in at 3.' 3 came and went so we decided to go in whenever we felt like it, which was never.

we only cassed out a bit in the beginning. i was going faster than kate at one point, so i turned around and yelled, 'KATE, SAC IT UP!' i got soo many weird looks from people on the ski lifts. good times.

oh, kate and i made some new sayings for us. mind you, these are inside jokes, so i'll explain, but then they might not be funny. when we were at bachelor, i accidently called my snowboard, my skateboard. so ever since then, its always referred to as skateboarding. or riding my skateboard. when my bindings froze, kate just said that my trucks froze. so she and i are on the ski lift and its stopped so we're just talking and i randomly say, 'skateboard to live' (read: snowboard). kate got it so we started cracking up. so all day long, we were coming up with stuff like that. 'skateboard to live.' 'my trucks froze at bachelor.' oooh man, good times. and then of course, ben's favorite line that has rubbed off on me and kate after spending a weekend with ben...sac it up. i love it.

we tried calling larry once we got to the top on my cell, and tell him we were at the top of the mountain, but he never answered. i so wished i have ben's number when we were up there cause him and larry would have been so proud of me and kate. i mean, after all, we DID learn all we know about snowboarding from them.

kate might be getting me a job at the spring and fall fair. which would be rad cause i need money.

hah. kate came up with 2 plans for me. they're totally different, but awesome. she was saying how she's gonna be working with alex as a fashion designer and whatnot. she's gonna make/come up with the slogans and alex will design whatever they go on clothes wise. so she was saying how i'll be a pro snowboarder and alex's company will sponser me and i'll have my own line of sayings that only i will wear and whatnot. her other plan was that my kids are gonna live on snowboards. like, i'll teach them how to snowboard by being like larry and ben and just say, 'sac it up' and push them down the hill while i watch from the top. larry and ben didn't push us down the hill and just watch from the top, but they always told us, 'sac it up.'

kate and i were remembering the bachelor retreat today and she told me how while i was stuck on the mountain in the powder on the last day, some of the guys came in and were like, 'yeah, sarah saced it up and went up to the cone with the guys.' and then later that night when we were doing group stuff we had to say something that someone in the group did that day that they admired and ben said that he admired me cause i saced to up and went up to the cone with the guys even though i was really inexperienced compared to the guys that i went with and the group agreed with him. good times.

mmk kids, that was a lot of writing so im stopping now. if i remember anything else, i'll edit or post a new one.

3-11-04
omg..........i just got my ACCEPTANCE letter from sota!!!!!!!!!!! hell yeah. im so fucking happy right now. oh man. this is awesome. i've been waiting and waiting and waiting these past few days to hear from them. oh man. this just made my day.

3-24-04
i wore my pink/white off the shoulders shirt to school today with my black bra (very sexy). before school, tyrney poked my boobs and i was like, 'yeah...' RIGHT AFTER she does that, she says, 'omg, they're so perky sarah!' meaning my boobs. so she poked them again. and again. i gave her permission to poke them the first time, but not any of the other times.then becca and i were in drama and somehow we got onto the topic of boobs. so she was telling me a story of how in p.e., when shes running, her boobs always bounce, cause she had big boobs. so she always tells them, 'down girls.' then she demonstrated it. made me laugh SO hard. i decided to go to school looking spiffy today, so i wore my black boots, yes heels, my pink/white off the shoulders shirt which you can see my bra through it if im wearing something other than white so i wore my black bra, and then to top it off my black eye make-up and my hair was flipped out. bonnell came up to me in english today and was like, 'i love how you're rockin the 80's today sarah.' so i said, 'thanks, but that wasn't my goal.' yeah, im a bitch, even to teachers.

4-8-04
canadian boys are HOT. and im moving to canada. soon. 3 years. fuck yeah! i LOVE it there. plus theres whistler. man, i was debating whether or not to bring my snowbording gear, just in case i got a chance to go up to whistler, which i didn't, but i decided not to bring them. bad choice. theres this mountain about 15 minutes from downtown vancouver. yes, it still had snow. my mom and i went up there and i was like, 'fuck, why didn't i know i could go snowboarding?!' meh.
we stayed at a hotel walking distance from stanley park and the beach. very nice. the first night i went to bed around 11:30ish. i woke up at 3:30. just woke up, nothing special. then at 4:30 i woke up again except this time i see my mom stading up and awake. so im like, 'what the hell?' turn out the fire alarm went off. so we went down to the lobby. firefighters were there, 2 fire trucks, quite a scene. turns out that there were some people doing work on the water system or something and that somehow set it off. so we went back upstairs and didn't go to sleep right away. i watched t.v. a bit. then, about 15 minutes later the alarm goes off AGAIN. we went downstairs and it was the same reason. so we went back upstairs, stayed up for a bit, then went to bed. i finally woke up at 11ish.
tuesday, i went shopping, had tea with my mom, and walked around vancouver. oh, and we went to stanley park and grouse mountain. on 4th ave., there was 2 whole blocks dedicated to snowboarding.skateboarding shops. it was SO awesome. so i got a zip up hoodie. oh, and my mom got me a magazine. wednesday we left at 8 in the morning at got to church around noon. i got to rip up carpet and tear down a wall. it was fucking awesome. the girls were doing the destructive stuff while the guys were shoveling gravel. hah. i loved it. then off to the knowles for dinner and whatnot. jac, kate, alex, larry and i went for a joyride around hicktown. it was fun. especially when larry drive. hah. i <3 that kid.
so i went to bed at midnight last night and i planned to sleep a long time. but no. my dad came in at 9 and was like, 'get up, we need to do the backyard.' fuck, let me sleep. i've been in vancouver the past 3 days and worked all day yesterday. go away. so i told him i was getting up and he left. i feel asleep again. about an hour later my dad comes in again and is like, 'get up.' GO AWAY. so i layed in bed for 20 more minutes and i was half asleep and my dad comes in and asks where the camera is and so i told him that i had it and when i got up i'd get it for him. no, apparently thats not good enough for him. so he asks where it is and i told him that its in my jack bag but i'd bring it down to him when i got up. so the goes through my bag till he finds. FUCKER, I TOLD YOU I'D BRING IT DOWN FOR YOU. GO AWAY. yeah, so that got me all mad and he left so i was like, 'fuck it, im not gonna get anymore sleep.' so i got up. we did the backyard, and here i am.
yesterday when my dad picked me up, he said, 'i have the next 2 days off so we should do something, like go to portland or something.' fucking christ, i HAD my own plans for MY spring break, but apparently no one but me cares about or respects that. i wasn't really happy to go to vancouver with my mom. it was just, 'let's go to vancouver. here's our hotel reservations.' no, 'sarah, would you like to go to vancouver for a few days, or do you have something planned?' god, thats for fucking respecting me. i mean, don't get me wrong, i now love vancouver, and portland is my second favorite city, so its not like i mind going, but really, ask me. don't tell me we're going on vacation during my spring break, i hate that. so i guess i have today to be lazy then im off to portland tomorrow. fucking christ, my parents piss me off so much.

being sick sucks. and it makes me mad.

why don't i drink american beer?
because i am canadian.

4-16-04
so usually when i make decisions like this, im really angry or sad then once i've cooled off and go back to them, the plan sucks. but im actually doing somewhat well right now and i've been thinking about this for awhile. i have decided that i no longer want to live here. even on my meds im not happy here. and yes, my meds are working and im feeling the effects. im not happy here. i haven't been for years now. god knows i've done my best to get along with my parents but i can't. i have a hard time forgiving and forgetting and the stuff that happened at all saints sill gets to me. i can't forgive my parents for not taking me out of there. but don't worry kids, i'll make sure im still living in tacoma cause of sota next year. i worked so fucking hard and theres never been anything i wanted more than that and i got it so theres no fucking way im giving it up. i always dread the weekends at my house. because i know it will consist of fighting and cleaning and making family feel bad. i guess i don't have to tell my parents this now cause i know my dad reads this. so dad, im really sorry, but i just don't love you guys. this house isn't making me happy. don't come and talk about this with me for awhile. thanks.

5-13-04
so i was a bitch to my english teacher, bonnell, today. well, as bitchy as im gonna be to a teacher's face. no cuss words. oddly enough, it was GREAT. he thinks he knows SOO much about teaching and shit, but no. he doens't. he tells our class to shut up every 3 minutes and it gets annoying. not bragging or anything, but the kids in there are dumb so i have one of the highest grades in there so he loves me. so i can get away with shit. he passed out a paper today and was like, 'we're doing this TOGETHER so don't go to the back yet.' we did part of it and were at a stopping point so i turned the sheet over to read the back and he looks at me and says, 'we're not working on the back yet.' so i said, 'does that mean that we're not allowed to READ the back?' he said, 'see me after class.' im not usually like this so the whole class was like, 'OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH.' it was so funny. of course he forgot all about it. which if he didn't forget, i would have talked with him and whatnot but i would have told him that he was out of line to tell me that i couldn't read the back. god. he bugs me. but i really enjoyed it.

5-24-04
moving on, my day went alright. bonnell is a fucking DUMBASS who doesn't pay attention to his students. there were about 10 of us in there today, most of the class went down to type their paper. tyler had bubble bottles, 7 of them, filled with vodka. so me, ashley, and kayla went and took 6 because we knew he wouldn't mind. fun times. dumb teacher.

TO BE FINISHED TOMORROW.

all of that happened in one year. crazy. this is the first birthday i can remember that i was actually happy on. looking back, i have no regrets. everything made into how i am today. all saints, mike, guy, everything. this past year has taught me SOO much about life and love and myself. i have self esteem and confidence for the first time in my life. i know that im loved by many of my friends. i know now that time does heal most wounds. time has healed all saints. its healed john. its healed mike. most of all, its healed me and guy. i know now that no, i will not have a good relationship with my parents and i will never love them but i can at least be civil. i know what UNCONDIDITONAL love is, the kind of love that parents have for their kids but they can't explain it. trust me, when we all be come parents, its the BEST feeling ever. i know from first hand experience how much you can love someone. i know that no matter how hard you push your friends away, the real ones always come back with open arms. i know that if i work hard enough, i can make things happen. i know that im healing quite nicely because last night, i was talking to ryan about john and my self abusing and bawny asked me about it. she was here so telling her about it in person i knew was gonna be hard but i did it. without crying. i was able to tell someone one of my biggest secrets IN PERSON. you guys have no idea haw far i've come and how much i owe to guy and sophia. if it wasn't for them, i wouldn't have gotten on my meds. if it wasn't for their support and love. i know that in order to be happy and to love my life, all i need is to like myself and love my friends and have their support.

if i forget anyone important, im very very sorry [in no particular order]...
bawny: quite honestly, i think you're my closest friend as of right now. i remember first meeting you and being like, 'shit son, i don't really think i want her as part of our group.' but its cool now. you're awesome and i love you. im glad that i have someone to feel this jealously over sarah with. you ARE skinny and don't let anyone tell you otherwise and you ARE a very pretty girl. i know of many many boys that like you so you must be doing SOMETHING correctly. <3.

falcoln: jeez kid. im really sorry that we live so far away and im not ever sure if we'll meet but i still love you. you'll find someone eventually. and stop being so depressed.

ashy: GOOD TIMES YESTERDAY! i love you. <333. thanks for everything. thanks for being there throughout all the scares. that meant sooo much to me that i had a friend that was so supportive of me even though i wasn't the best person.

CHRIS AND LAURA: you guys are awesome. i know that im a dumb kid and don't always realize that you know what you're talking about and maybe i should shut up and take some advice once in awhile, but hey, look where i am now. chis, you are my older brother that i've always wanted but never had and i trust you soooo much. you're the only person on this earth that can 'analyze' me and i won't get mad at you for it. laura, you're the best listener EVER. <3 you two.

JOHN: kid, i know you'll never read this, but i love/loved you beyond belief. we had something not many people get the chance to experience. life was great with you. we weren't happy, but we knew that no matter what, we had each other and i believe that still applies. even though the late nights at each others houses have long since gone, i know no matter where i am or what has happened to me, you're always with me. i know that if you were still here, right now i'd be over at your house and we be laughing about the past 16 years of my life. we'd be on your roof. maybe we'd have alcohol, maybe not. im listening to this song right now and its amazes me how much it reminds me of us right now...
i will wait until the end
when the pendulum will swing back to the darker side of our hearts bleeding
i will save this empty space next to me like it's a grave
where i lay a place for us to sleep eternally together
i have been searching for traces of what we were
a ghost of you is all that i have left
it's all that i have left of you to hold
i wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all
so here i am pacing around this house again
with pictures of us living on these walls
i see my breath in the cold of the air that i breathe and i'm wondering
i'm wondering if it's you that i feel if it's you that i feel here haunting me forever
i have been searching for traces of what we were
a ghost of you is all that i have left
it's all that i have left of you to hold
i wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all
and i'm not looking for anything but us
anything but what we were
and i'm not asking for painted memories
i only want to know you're here
a ghost of you is all that i have left
it's all that i have left of you to hold
i wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all
a ghost of you is all that i have left
it's all that i have left of you to hold
i wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all

you taught me so much about myself and life and i know that if you were still here today, you'd still be amazing me today with things. i remember going over to your house a week after you died and i went into your room and took you fluffie and crawled in your bed and just started bawling. i couldn't believe that i lost MY john. it was so surreal to me. then i found your note to me. kid, i cried for 4 hours. i love you sooooo fucking much. we had uncondiditonal love, that i know. we never liked each other to where we would ever date because we had so much more than that. kid, if life EVER granted me only one wish, it would be that we could be together again. i don't care if that means that i die and find you, or if you come back, i just want us again. the terrible two [remember that? i do]. john, you're always in my heart, every single fucking day i think of you. i still have your note and it comes with me EVERYWHERE i go. i read it almost daily. i've accepted the fact that you're not here and im now ok with that. i miss you like fucking hell, but time has healed the pain. john carl parker, i love you so much its not possible to tell anyone. i would do anything to be with you right now.

but yeah. shall add more when/if needed.

BUT TO ALL MY FRIENDS, whether you're close or not, I LOVE YOU GUYS BEYOND BELIEF. you guys are my life. i would give up my life in a heartbeat for ANY of you. don't hesitate to call me at ANY hour of the day/night if needed.

Wed, 13 Oct 2004 03:34:15 GMT

Post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want.
A PICTURE. STORY. SENTENCE.

Then post this to your journal.
See what people remember about you

Friends Only.

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 04:25:58 GMT

sucker.

comment to be added.